


Cupid Let Those Arrows Fly

by ferretbaby



Category: The Hobbit (2012)
Genre: Crack, Heavy Petting, Kili is Middle-Earth's worst cupid, M/M, Virgin Kíli, sex-pollen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-15
Updated: 2013-02-15
Packaged: 2017-11-29 09:20:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/685339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ferretbaby/pseuds/ferretbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sex-pollen and Kili’s arrows don’t mix! Fili is the instigator! Bilbo and Thorin are the targets!</p>
<p>For Valentines day I thought it would be appropriate to write a sex-pollen fic! =D</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cupid Let Those Arrows Fly

**Author's Note:**

> This is CRACK and it's been a late night, forgive me! I rather don't know what I was thinking writing this, only that I really liked the idea of Kili being cupid and it was Valentines day, so I figured 'why not?'. The main pairing is Bilbo/Thorin, and the Fili/Kili is REAL light unless you want to read into that part. Dwalin/Ori are just mentioned in passing and rather onesides. Sorry, there's no actual sex in the fic. I love sex-pollen fics as well as the next person, I just don't understand how actual penetration would relieve the problem that heavy masterbation won't? I get the appeal though, it's fiction so anything can happen. =D
> 
> I will warn for a bit of dub-con, only because a substance is used to inflict a hormonal response that two character's react to (not because the two characters don't want to get it on).

 

***

 

The flowers were in the lower east corner of Beorn’s plot being aggressively ignored by the bees. Kili at first might not have even noticed them if he hadn’t of almost stumbled into the things and caught himself of the fence before he planted face first into their purple petals. 

Dusting himself off, Kili looked at his brother and Óin. “Look at these. Is there something wrong with them?”

“Eh?” Óin, who’d been leaning against the fence and admiring the bee’s synchronized dancing, barely gave the dwarf prince a glance.

“These flowers.” Kili pointed. Fili at least looked curious and came over to investigate. 

“Maybe they’re poisonous?” The blond dwarf crouched down to study the bulbous purple bloom. 

“You think?” Kili scratched his head. They weren’t halfwits, they knew not to touch anything if other animals were avoiding a plant. It would be like that poison oak incident all over again.

Óin pushed himself off the fence and ambled over. “Hmm? Oi, don’t touch that lads!”

Fili quickly withdrew the twig he was poking the flower with. “Why,” Kili asked, “are they dangerous?” 

“Not dangerous, um, they might…” Óin coughed, cheeks turning pink. “Its lovers bloom.”

“Lovers bloom,” Fili and Kili said together. 

Kili looked at his brother. “That doesn’t sound too bad.”

“It’s not bad, per say, unless you were an insect.” Óin cleaned out his ear trumpet, anything not to look the princes in the face. “The nectar’s potent for medicinal means and if ya get it on your skin…”

The young dwarves leaned forward intrigued. “Yes?”

“Well, it…um, it’s a highly effective at relieving the tension between two people.”

“I don’t understand,” Fili said, glancing back at the unassuming purple flower. The flower was chalice shaped with a little bit of clear nectar cupped inside and the leaves green with two red stripes from the stalk to the ends of the leaf. It was pretty, but he didn’t understand how a medicinal plant could relieve tension between people. 

 Óin popped the ear trumpet back into his ear. “Ya know, if there’s _tension_ between two people?”

At the blank look from the two princes the older dwarf threw his hands up. “Or if one of the dwarves is lacking in… stamina, it brings things to a head.”

Fili and Kili looked at each other and shrugged.

“Dammit boys, ya can’t be this dense!” Óin grumbled under his breath some unsavory things about their lineage. “Sometimes young couples in love will drink the nectar and before ya know it they’re married.”

“Ah!” Kili felt proud of himself for understanding that one. It would figure a plant called lovers bloom would gift a couple with luck in marriage.

“Wait,” Fili’s eyebrows were furrowed. “So if a couple drink the nectar they are guaranteed to be married?” He didn’t get how that worked out medically. Unless they were magic flowers?

“Not always, mind ya,” Óin huffed. “It’s just usually following the circumstance if ya don’t want to impugn the other’s honor its best that ya do.” 

“Hmm.” Fili tapped the twig against his chin and gave his brother a sly look. Kili, knowing when his older brother had a plan, knew this was his queue to run any witnesses off.

“Thank you, Master Óin. You’ve been a great help.” The brunette dwarf started pushing the older dwarf pack towards the cabin. 

“Now see here!” Óin put up a struggle, saw the princes’ smirks and sighed forlornly. “Just do yourselves a favor and don’t touch the stuff. Ingesting it gives the full effects, but even a little on the skin can cause a reaction.”

“We appreciate the concern!” Fili waved and with one last shove from Kili, Óin toddled back to Beorn’s, shaking his head the whole way.

Kili jumped to his brother’s side. “So, what’s the plan?”

“You get what the plant does right?” Fili knew his brother, knew how his mind worked. The younger dwarf was still innocent in a lot of ways.

“Sure, it’s a courting flower. Mister Baggins talks about them something.”

“No,” Fili groaned aghast. “It causes a reaction here.” The blond dwarf made a rude motion towards his crotch that had Kili busting out laughing.

“It’s a sex plant?” Kili could hardly contain himself. No wonder Óin had been so reluctant to talk about it. “Oh! For dwarves who can’t get it up?” This was just hysterical! Thank goodness he didn’t have use for that plant, his dagger was still impressively sharp even though it hadn’t been sheathed yet and that didn’t mean things weren’t in working order, thank you very much. 

“Do you happen to know a couple of dwarves who could relieve some tension?” Fili waged his eyebrows. 

“I know eleven of them! And a hobbit.” Which was fact, everybody had been in foul moods since they’d limped off the Carrock and they’d been taking tension out by chopping wood until Beorn had a pile roof high. The food had been helping though, and he’d even caught Thorin smiling at the hobbit when he’d passed over some biscuits at breakfast this morning.

“Yes, but any particular couples who might need a good shove in the right direction?”

Kili scratched at his chin, understanding blooming in his mind. “Gloin’s married though, and rumor has it Bombur was courting a lass before the quest. Besides Ori, there really haven’t been any others that have shown an interest in each other. Dwalin seems oblivious to the other dwarf’s ogling.”

“Our Uncle!” Fili shouted in frustration. “Uncle and Mister Baggins! We know Mister Baggin’s has taken a fancy to him and our Uncle is no longer disinclined to the hobbit’s company either.”

“Yes, but do we really want to give them a drought that will end in them married to each other?”

Fili thought for a moment. It wouldn’t be so bad, hobbit’s weren’t all that different from dwarves if you forgot about the beards and feet. And Bilbo was a brave one, protecting Thorin like that from Azog. Yes, their Uncle could do _much_ worse. “I think marriage comes when the lass is beget by her suitor. Unless hobbits have some strange anatomy about them I doubt there will be children formed from their union. Besides, I think Uncle’s in need of intimacy, it might put him in a better disposition towards our journey if he getting off regularly.”

Kili didn’t want to think about his Uncle getting personal with anybody. He’d rather live under the delusion that Thorin wasn’t sexual in any way and lived a chaste lifestyle, but even he couldn’t deny the heavy looks the dwarf had been giving their hobbit over the dinner table lately, and if it would make them happy… 

“So how would we go about getting them to drink it?”

Fili twisted his mustache in his fingers and gave his brother a huge smile.

***

“You sure this will work?” Kili took the arrow Fili handed him. They’d taken the sharp arrowhead off and replaced it with a bit of burlap sack tied around the end, and then doused the fabric in the nectar.

“Careful,” Fili hissed. “All you have to do is aim and shoot.”

“But it’s our Uncle. What if he thinks we are under attack?” Kili couldn’t help but remember that night they teased Bilbo about the orc pack and their Uncle had jumped to his feet, ready to protect them from an imagined threat. He hadn’t said anything, but the look their Uncle had given them said he was very disappointed in their mocking of the hobbit.

“He won’t,” Fili assured. The two were huddled together is some bushes a few yards away from the porch. About this time everyday Bilbo would lounge about to watch the sun set and smoke his pipe. Usually the other’s from the company joined him, but lately they’d all been sneaking off and leaving Thorin and Bilbo alone. Today it seemed would be no exception, for already Thorin and Bilbo were sitting peaceably together on the far end of the porch.

“Take aim,” Fili whispered frantically in his brother’s ear. “Shoot Thorin first. If you try for the hobbit he’ll be suspicious and be on the lookout for more attacks.”

“Where should I aim for?” Kili squinted, looking down the shaft and focusing on their Uncle passing some pipe-weed to their burglar. 

Fili spit some tall grass out of his mouth. They were rather low to the ground in the hopes they wouldn’t be spotted after they shot the arrow. “His face? Or maybe his chest? Óin said even only a little bit of skin contact would do the trick.”

Kili’s bit his tongue as he aimed for his Uncle’s neck and without a second though he let the arrow loose. It streaked through the air and would have made perfect contact if Bilbo hadn’t of dropped his pipe just then and Thorin leaned over to pick it up. The arrow instead impacted against the wall behind them and both hobbit and dwarf jumped.

“Hurry! Shot the next one! Aim for Mister Baggins!” Fili hissed urgently in Kili’s ear. He pressed the second arrow into his brother’s hands, unaware of the little bit of nectar dripping down his hand and onto Kili’s.

***

Thorin and Bilbo were looking at the odd projectile shot behind them. Thorin picked it up and was inspecting the end, sniffing at the wet cloth tied to the arrow.

“What is it?” Bilbo asked anxiously, leaning over to look. He’d been enjoying these evening sit down’s with Thorin and getting to know the dwarf King. They liked to sit in silence most days, but lately the dwarf had been opening up about his past and Bilbo found himself charmed and honored in turns to learn more about his companion. The tension between them no longer heavy with disdain but by some other strain of tension that had Bilbo excited and nervous in the dwarf’s presence.  

 “It looks like one of my nephew’s arrows but I have no knowledge of this substance at the end.” Thorin must have deemed it safe enough to touch and he inspected the clear jell between his thumb and forefinger. “Smell’s sweet and it is sticky. Maybe honey?” 

It would figure Fili and Kili would try something right then to ruin the mood, Bilbo thought unkindly. 

“Do you think its saf--” Bilbo sputtered as another arrow hit him right in the nose, splattering the slick jell into his eyes and mouth. “Gah!”

“Mister Baggins are you alright!” Thorin jumped to his feet, whirling around looking for his nephews. The two young dwarves hunched lower to the ground, hiding their giggles under their hands. 

“Yes, I’m, ugh.” Bilbo swiped the clear jell off his face and onto his trousers. “What was that?” He blinked, eyelashes sticking together wetly. His nose smarted, but the hobbit wasn’t hurt.

“Stay here and I will find the two. They shall explain this prank and then clean it up.” Thorin stomped off in search of the two rascals. Fili and Kili were at least smart enough to wait until Thorin was looking behind the cabin to dash away into the forest. There they hid in a tree where they could see the goings-on from a high enough vantage point that if they were spotted not much could be done to them.

Thorin returned to the porch with a furrowed brow, grumbling under his breath at his sister’s taste in men and the trait’s that bastard she’d married passed on to the noble house of Durin.

“Mister Baggins, I’m afraid they are….” Thorin trailed off, eyes widening as he took in the hobbit.

Bilbo sat with his legs spread and his shirt halfway unbuttoned, fanning at his flushed cheeks with his hand. He looked lazily up at the dwarf king with soft hooded eyes. “Hmm?”

“I--” Thorin choked, finding it suddenly hard to swallow. 

“Tho~rin…” Bilbo slurred. “Why’s ‘t so hot?”

“I have no idea.” Thorin blinked away the glare of the sun. Maybe he’d been in the sun too long and he had heat fever. Or the hobbit really was spread out like one of the courtesans of Gondamon, angled just perfectly to show off his best assets and effortlessly seducing any who passed by.  

“Mmm.” Bilbo’s tongue swirled around the end of his pipe and Thorin felt a white hot flash of heat strike down his spine and settle low in his belly. Bilbo tried to take a couple of puffs but somehow wasn’t able to keep his hands steady enough to hold the pipe. Eventually the hobbit gave up and dropped the pipe to the floor, moaning helplessly as he leaned back on his elbows.

“Mister Baggins, are you feeling okay?” If something was wrong with Bilbo, Thorin thought he might have the same problem. His surcoat and brigandine felt heavy on his shoulders and he could feel sweat gathering down his back. 

“I feel….I feel,” Bilbo gasped, rolling his suspenders off and tugging his shirt open a bit more that Thorin caught sight of a dusty nipple. “I feel empty? And my skin feels warm.”

Thorin would never admit to it and if someone saw he’d deny it to his last breath, but he stumbled quickly forward and onto the porch next to Bilbo with unsteady feet, grasping at the hobbit’s thighs to keep himself from falling onto Bilbo in his haste. He couldn’t help looking down and devouring the hobbit with his eyes, even though his hands shook to touch all the reveling pale skin Mister Baggins was showing off. 

“What have you done? You were not like this when I left.”

“It tastes so sweet. My mouth keeps watering for more. Do you have more, Thorin? Just a little, the bit on your fingers? I can lick it off.” Bilbo pressed two of his own fingers into his mouth, sucking firmly on the clear jell on the webbing between his middle and forefinger.

Thorin felt the blush travel up his neck and face. He grabbled with his next decision, should he call someone to check Bilbo over or should he help the hobbit himself? Bilbo most likely wouldn’t want the others to see him like this, laid out and moaning for something to lick. 

“Bilbo,” Thorin whispered. “You shouldn’t…”

The hobbit pulled his wet fingers out of his mouth and there was a trail of spit connecting the digits to Bilbo’s plump lips. Thorin felt his hands tighten on Bilbo’s legs and one of the hobbit’s feet pressed against the top of his boots, rubbing there until Thorin felt overheated and seconds from tearing his clothes off.

 Thorin trailed his eyes down the squirming hobbit, taking in Bilbo’s glazed blue eyes and sweat soaked golden curls, flushed cheeks and bitten red lips. Bilbo traced the sweat down his neck with his hands, fingertips swirling in the light dusting of hair on the hobbit’s chest.

“Thorin,” Bilbo said with a husky breath, eyes boring into the dwarf’s. “Please…”

Thorin, King Under the Mountain, gulped. 

“My skin feels tingly,” Bilbo leaned forward and whispered against Thorin’s rounded ear. “Here, feel.”

Bilbo took Thorin’s hand and placed it on his chest, the dwarf’s large fingers caressing against the soft heated skin of the hobbit’s and brushing against his nipples. Bilbo cried out, hips trusting in the air and hands pulling Thorin closer.

“Thorin, will you touch me?”

The heavy feeling of lust settled in Thorin’s stomach and he felt his length twitch in his trousers. Bilbo’s heavy panting against his neck distracted him from the fact they were outside and in public.

“I’ am touching y--” Then Thorin was tackled to the floor and Bilbo wretched from his arms. 

***

“Shit!” Kili clung at the tree trunk with both arms, hips swaying wildly without thought in the air. Fili on a branch somewhere above him was making loud choking noises and slipped from his branch into a torn bush. Kili flailed after him, trying to keep his precious anatomy from making impact with anything sharp as he attempted to save his brother.

***

Glóin gave his brother a proud pat on the back.

“Ya did a good thing telling us about what those trouble makers found.”

Óin glowered, rubbing at his black eye. “I didn’t think they’d go after Master Thorin and Master Baggins with it.”

Dwalin, who stood guard before the room they’d tossed the King in, grunting when the door banged against his back. He’d mostly taken the beating from Thorin when they’d separated the king from the hobbit, and if Thorin had had his sword on him Dwalin might have been in serious trouble.

“Let me out! Do not keep the hobbit from me!”   

In another room Bilbo gave a loud, pleasure filled moan that echoed down the hall. The hobbit had been easier to take care of, they’d tossed the burglar into a room by himself and locked the door. He hadn’t made any attempts to escape at all. The other’s figured he could handle the effects of the lovers bloom nectar by himself and it was just as well. 

“Is that Bilbo?” Thorin suddenly stopped ramming against the door. “Who is with him? I will cut their beard off if anybody is touching him while he’s in that state.”

“No one’s doing anything to tha hobbit!” Bofur yelled back, nursing his bloody nose. It had taken all nine dwarves to keep Thorin away from Bilbo and they had to resort to all pilling on top of the King while Balin escorted the whimpering hobbit to his room. It had been messy and bloody.

“Tho~rin!” Bilbo cried out, heavy and heated, pleasuring himself.

Thorin started ramming into the door again and the others sighed despondently. 

Eventually as the evening wore on, Kili and Fili limped home, and Thorin and Bilbo had calmed down. The princes were forced to clean up the mess they’d cause and even rebuild one of Beorn’s benches that Dori had tried to smash over Thorin’s head and gotten Bombur instead.

Either way, they all had much to grumble about for days to come.

Except two of their party members.

The next morning had Bilbo tumbling out of his room, blushing and stuttering his apologies. Thorin had grumbled, grabbed Bilbo’s wrist and carried the hobbit off to the barn and didn’t return until later in the evening with hay in their hair and clothes disheveled. And like Fili had said, he was in a happier mood for a long while after that.

 

End


End file.
